Grief and Loss - Online Resources
- What is Grief?
- How long does grief last?
- Does grief just affect your emotions?
- Is it wrong to have conflicting feelings?
- Is it more difficult to recover from the impact of a sudden death?
- What do I say to someone who is grieving?
- Do children grieve?
- What do we tell the children?
- What can I do to help someone who is grieving?
What is Grief?
Grief is a NORMAL emotional and physical response when we have experienced a significant loss and/or change in or lives. The death of someone we love results in emotional responses such as disbelief, anger, guilt, depression and a feeling of emptiness. Physical symptoms can include sleeplessness, loss of concentration, feeling detached and numbness.
How long does grief last?
Grief responses are individual. Each person will react in their own way. There are certain chemicals released by the grieving person, sometimes for months after the death, which are normal. These chemicals change the way we think and feel. Often a birthday, Christmas and the 1st anniversary of the death are especially difficult times. It may take years to re-adjust after a death of a loved one.
Does grief just affect your emotions?
Grief affects us both emotionally and physically. Our thought processes can alter for a time. Being vague and forgetful, fear of going crazy, too much sleeping or lack of it is normal. Some people say they see or hear the person who has died. Our bodily systems can change, more infections, coughs, colds, high blood pressure all occur with some grieving people: these should be checked by your doctor.
Is it wrong to have conflicting feelings?
When a loved one has suffered a long drawn out illness, it is common to feel relieved or glad when the person dies. In time you will feel sad at the loss of that person and perhaps experience guilt at your earlier reaction of relief, especially if the death has given you greater personal freedom. Grief is like being on a roller coaster, your emotions can change from day to day or even hour to hour. When grieving, we need to be kind to ourselves and not make judgments on our own behavior. If you find yourself having a good day, take notice and enjoy it.
Is it more difficult to recover from an unexpected death?
A sudden death is different from an expected death. When someone is dying we have the opportunity to deal with 'unfinished business' and perhaps lessen our regrets of things we wish we had said or done. With sudden and unexpected death there usually has been no opportunity for this and the grieving can be different. On these occasions it may prove beneficial for the bereaved to spend some time with the deceased, e.g. at a viewing.
What do I say to someone who is grieving?
People who are grieving need to be allowed to express their feelings in a safe environment. They need to know you will not judge their feelings by using clichés such as 'At least he didn't suffer'. What you can say to a grieving person is something like 'I wish I had the words to ease the pain you are going through right now'.
Do children grieve?
Children from the age of 3-4 years are aware that someone is missing and need to be involved in the family with the funeral if they so choose. Older children will often outwardly copy adults in their grieving e.g. crying or not crying, while inwardly having their own grief reactions as individuals.
What do we tell the children?
Children under the age of three need to be kept in their routine with primary care givers as much as possible. Over that age they need to be told simply and honestly what has happened and what will happen about a funeral and 'viewing', then asked if they would like to be there. They can accept matters if they can choose. Often children will draw a picture, use a photo or a toy to place in the coffin to say goodbye.
What can I do to help someone who is grieving?
People in grief need acceptance of their emotions for however long it takes for them to heal. Practical items such as shopping, cooking or minding children is very helpful. Often the grieving person is afraid that others are 'sick of them' and will not ask for help. Telephone the grieving person on a regular basis with their permission, just to show you care. Allow them to grieve in their own way.
